Ahhhh, relationships. That most fraught territory in the realm of human experience. That place where we crash and burn, where we are lifted up into a bliss and connection beyond our conscious mind’s capacity … and where we are smashed into the earth with a velocity that often leaves us bloody and broken, whimpering into the abyss.

Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more about my “stated” desire to get into a relationship and the uncomfortable truth underneath it: there are reasons I dread getting into one, too.

I figured I’d apply the same tried-and-true pro and con list thing to this knotty issue, just as I have to more minor problems like whether to take a certain apartment or pick a certain school.

Without further ado, here are my top 10 reasons for and against getting into a relationship:


  1. The isolation and despair and grief and inevitable disappointment I will feel when you let me down, since you are human and I am human and we are most definitely going to fuck up sometimes
  2. Dealing with morning breath (yours or mine)
  3. The feeling of being boxed in, like I’ll never be able to be truly free or expressed with respect to my sexuality again
  4. The anxiety of wondering when or if you’ll text
  5. The anxiety of wondering whether you’ll cheat on me
  6. The crushing heartbreak that will happen if/when you shut down or turn away from me
  7. The fear of losing hold of my practices (like morning journaling) because you will always around and I won’t be strong enough to hold my boundaries
  8. Feeling inhibited at parties because if I’m too flirty, you’ll be angry with me and give me the silent treatment in the car ride home instead of addressing it directly
  9. The resurfacing of core wounds and issues. Yeah, they come up to be resolved but right before they’re resolved they HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER and isn’t it also true that some of them never go away?
  10. Because what if I go on a vacation and meet a really cute guy and can’t hook up with him (not even a little bit) because I’m committed to you?


  1. Cuddling. Regular spooning. Spooning that leads to sex. Sex in general
  2. Looking at you from across the room knowing you’re thinking the same thing I am and smiling at how much fun we’re going to have debriefing this moment later
  3. Smart, funny, witty text banter. Inside jokes. Sending and receiving #relationshipgoals memes with someone with whom I’m actually in a relationship
  4. You coming up behind me in the kitchen and nuzzling my neck, rubbing against me and getting me hot and wet
  5. Holding hands fingers intertwined. Affection and attention and being noticed and responded to and cared for
  6. The way you pull me in tight when we’re having a fight and we’ve gotten to that point where we’re stuck
  7. The closeness of “I’m thinking about you” “I’m thinking about you too”
  8. Looking around at a sea of men and thinking, “None of you is as good in bed as my man. It’s not even worth it.”
  9. Learning how it feels to have conflict and then actually resolve it, becoming stronger and more resilient as a team
  10. Because it’s one of life’s very greatest offerings
  11. Finally having a wedding date I actually want to bang

What’s on your list?

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