Many of you read my piece, Ten Things I Find Sexy About Men (That Have Nothing to Do With Looks).

One of you wanted to reply. Without further ado, here is a guest piece by my good friend and reader, Jon Mimisy:

 

“Ten Things I Find Sexy About Women


(That Have Nothing To Do With Looks)”

 

I love women. I love how they walk, how they smile, how they cross their legs, how they look at you, look away, and then pretend that the whole flirty-eye-contact-you-look-at-me-I-look-at-you thing never happened.

I’m a guy, so, of course, a woman’s looks dominate my oh-so-reptilian brain. But let’s just accept that as a given, and that honest to God, there’s precious little I can do about the fact that I want to jump your bones every waking minute of every day. I’m wired to gratuitously ogle your breasts, to stare at your legs, to love it when you wear a sundress (and to want to take said sundress off with my teeth).

Let’s leave all that to the (back) side, though. Here are ten things totally unrelated to your rockin’ bod that I find sexy as hell:

10) Clothes

Yes, I want to get you naked. See above. But you know part of why I want to get you naked? It’s because the clothes you have on right now make you look amazing. Don’t believe me? Well, believe this: If you were wearing parachute pants and a hoodie right now, I wouldn’t want to MC Hammer you.

The clothes make the woman — not just the man. You know what turns me on? When you know that fine line between sexy and scandalous. You know the shade of red that gets my attention. You know the right length of heel. You can dress for the occasion. These things matter — and not just to the other girls glaring at you with envy.

 

9) When she knows how to flirt

I love a woman who doesn’t expect me to do all the work. Flirting is like tennis; without an adequate partner, I may as well be hitting my balls against a garage door. When you hold eye contact for that extra second, when you match my smile, when you joke about sex, when you do anything that clues me into the fact that, yeah, you’re into this too: that’s downright sexy.

 

8) Intelligence

Don’t assume I think intelligence is a turn-off, and don’t act dumb if you’re not. If you went to Hah-vahd, don’t say you went to a little school in Cambridge. For some totally inexplicable reason, women have been led to believe that men want them to be more Mrs. Cleaver than Sheryl Sandberg. Perhaps some do – I don’t.

I. Want. Someone. Smart.

I want someone who reads long books and knows big words. I want someone who speaks multiple languages. I want someone who knows that ‘wherefore’ doesn’t mean ‘where,’ and who can pronounce Ahmadinejad.

If you assume I want someone ditzy, then I’ll go find someone who is actually ditzy. But don’t dumb yourself down in some misguided attempt to make me more attracted to you. Remember, stupid is as stupid does.

 

7) Allow me to be chivalrous

OK, yeah, you’ve read Lean In. You’re a working girl. I get it. But let me get the damn check. Let me hold the door open. I’m not trying to offend your feminist whatevers; I’m doing the social equivalent of wrapping my arms around you and squeezing you tight.

You don’t know what that feels like yet, but if you don’t allow me to do the chivalry thing from time to time, you never will.

 

6) Remind me about shit

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries – assume I will forget them. I’m a guy, and I was born with a gene that, I guess, leads me to think more about creating new memories than remembering past ones. But I have to say: You’re also unreasonably good at remembering everything that happened years and years ago on a given day. You remember fucking everything. And you don’t just remember things: you plan for them. You throw parties. You buy cards. You bake things. You make tote bags. These are things that I would simply never think to do.

So I like it when you remind me that Dan and Amy’s 3.65 month anniversary was yesterday and I forgot to text them about it. It’s not annoying. Okay, maybe it’s a tad annoying. But to be honest, it’s also endearing, especially when you remember things about my friends and family that I didn’t put in my Google calendar. You’re more conscientious than my futile biology will ever let me be, which also happens to make you incredibly hot.

 

5) Cry

Maybe this makes me an outlier as a man, but I don’t think so. Because when you cry around me, it gives me a chance to do that thing that guys are supposed to do, where they’re all solid and there for you and “it’ll be okay, we’ll get through this” and all the rest.

Tears aren’t scary. If anything, it’s the lack of them that should have me worried. I’d rather have you crying in my presence than crying to someone else in my absence.

 

4) Laugh at my (bad) jokes

This is also known as “throwing me a bone.” I think I’m funny. My mom thinks I’m funny. My friends find me uproariously funny. It would help if you fit in somewhere on that spectrum, because, well, I’m fucking trying over here. You don’t think this material writes itself, do you?

Don’t fake it, either. That’s the worst. If you don’t find me funny, let’s just go our separate ways and spare ourselves a lifetime of fake-laughing at each other’s jokes about airline peanuts.

 

3) Be up for anything

Who doesn’t love a girl who will say yes to a gala, or yes to a boxing match, or yes to a bad movie she doesn’t want to see but will see anyway because you want to?

And there’s a difference between being up for it and suffering through it. We can tell the difference. And we appreciate when you suck it up for us (hehe).

 

2) Stand on her own two feet

Here’s the deal: I’m not a babysitter. Please don’t cling to me when we’re out and about. If you freak because we were at a function and I went to relieve myself and you didn’t know what to do, then Lord help you getting back home, because, honey, I’m probably not going to want to do that anymore, either.

Instead, the truly irresistible thing a woman can do is to spend the entire night charming the room and then come back over to me, kiss me in front of everyone, and say, “So, your place or mine?” Damn. I’ll take you right then and there.

 

1) Accept me

My relationship with you isn’t going to resemble a Disney movie. I’m loud. I’m sometimes unreliable. I’m forgetful. I throw myself into work and my life and the gym and everything else with unrelenting, unremitting passion. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you and it doesn’t mean I take you for granted. I’m not Prince Charming; more importantly, I’m not supposed to be.

There is no glass slipper and no white horse: this is real life. So please stop imagining it’s supposed to be anything other than my making sure you’re tucked in and the garbage is thrown out after you pass out while watching that episode of the West Wing for the umpteenth time. That’s how I show my affection, dearest.

Disney has been to relationships what the bomb was to Hiroshima. Don’t expect perfection. Because there are also going to be moments that you don’t expect where I knock your socks off — and those will make up for my many, many failings. The absolute sexiest thing you can do is accept me – all of me – and cherish how much I want to get it right, even if sometimes I get it wrong.

 

The truth is, you and I aren’t supposed to be perfect. We’re supposed to make life’s frequent imperfections just a little more functional, a little more amusing, and a lot more fun. The sexiest woman to me is the one who understands this. She gets that it’s not always about the planned dates but the unplanned moments; not about the nights we get dressed up, but the mornings when we’ve got nothing on; not about the gifts I give you, but the way I can make you laugh with that goofy look you hate, but secretly love.

I’m not your girlfriend; I’m not your mom; I’m not your puppy. I won’t always seem rational or reasonable, but there are times when I will know you better than you know yourself. I will know when you need to be touched; I will know when you need me to be courageous. It’s instinct. It’s ancient and awesome and true.

And when you let me show you that part of myself – when you let me be that for you without making me feel a trace of self-consciousness – I find you sexier than words can possibly express.

2 Comments

  1. Gaurika Agrawal Reply

    Holy Mary! L. O. V. E. This piece! The honesty is beautiful and the words got me damn touchy! (sob sob!) =D

  2. Greg Reply

    Well spoken. Concise. Funny, too. Loved the part about what makes a woman sexy, other than her looks.

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