Question for all the lads out there: how do you want me to reject you?
Scenario 1: I went blues dancing last spring and met a great dancer – let’s call him JR. We had a great dance connection and I could tell he was attracted to me. I enjoyed dancing with him, but I already knew that that was the extent of my interest (don’t most of us, pretty much instantaneously?). But at the end of the night, he approached and intimated that we should hang out again … i.e., “We should go out sometime.”
Hmm. You would think that by now, I would have a standard response to this scenario, and yet I’m surprised every time at how perplexed I am. I didn’t quite know how to say, “I wouldn’t mind being friends with you, but that’s pretty much it.” By the way, as an aside, I just want to say that it is EXTREMELY rare for me to want to feel your erection when we dance. Please stop doing that.
Anyway, when he said, “We should go out sometime,” I replied with a noncommittal, “Yeah … we should,” but I wasn’t enthusiastic. I felt lame being so evasive, but I realized I was trying to communicate that I wasn’t interested without having to come out and say it. I mean truthfully, I thought he was nice but I didn’t want to fuck him. I really wasn’t sure how straight up he’d want me to be about that (I’m fine with being straight up, but I’m trying to gauge what men want when it comes to this).
Scenario 2: I’m at a club with my girlfriend Veronica and her guy friend comes up to us – we’ll call him Chad. It becomes increasingly apparent that he’s into me, so I’m not surprised when he asks in a backhanded way for my number – “Oh, in case we all get separated, what’s your number?”
Like a fly in a trap, I was caught again in the same predicament: Chad is a perfectly nice guy, but I’m not sexually interested. And not to be a bitch (although that does appear to be the theme of this entry), but I didn’t click with him well enough to actually put time, attention or energy into being friends. You know when you meet people and there’s that instant connection and you’re actually interested in who they are? That wasn’t really there, so there was really was no point in him having my number.
Not so much what I did...
Not so much what I did...
Hence I did what I usually do: when he asked for my number I gave it to him, so as not to be rude. I think a lot – a LOT – of women do this, just because they don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. But isn’t it more inconsiderate to give your number and then avoid the person when/if they call? Isn’t it actually more bitchy and dishonest to constantly say you’re busy or can’t meet up for some reason instead of just somehow saying in the moment, “Thanks, but I’m not interested”?
If she won't give you her number, you can always wrest it from her.
There’s also always the, “I’m sorry, I don’t give out my phone number, but I’ll take yours,” which is sort of acceptable, but not really. And in both of these instances, that response wouldn’t have made sense because they were already socially vetted: Chad was my close friend’s friend, and JR knew lots of the people I dance with. We’re in the same community. What then?
Scenario 3: This one I’m not particularly proud of, although I do have to say it felt easier. I was at a café, and the two men having coffee at the next table over kept glancing over. I could tell that one of them was going to engage me in conversation, which he did when it became apparent that I was leaving. To his credit he set this up perfectly for me: “Excuse me, Miss, I just had a quick question: where did you meet your boyfriend?”
Boy, did this tee it right up for me. First of all, this felt like a prefabricated line (doubtless from The Game or something), so I didn’t really feel guilty coming out with a prefabricated response. “I met him at work.” Perfect.
Now, just to clarify: it’s not that I don’t like being hit on. I find it incredibly flattering and validating. It lets me know that I’m still attractive, and I’m always impressed with men’s capacity to reach out. It takes GUTS to ask someone out, no matter who it is or how it’s done. And for the record, I ask men out, too. I once left an adorable (if I do say so myself) note for a Starbucks barrista, who never called me. Eh. Life goes on. If I had the chance, I’d do it again. Then again, I didn’t ask him out out loud, so I didn’t face that in-the-moment rejection. (Interestingly, I don’t ask a man out unless I’m relatively sure he’s going to say yes … I almost always wait for other ‘yes’ signals or clues that let me know he’s interested before going for it.)
So here’s the dilemma: while I appreciate getting hit on, it’s actually uncomfortable for me in my body when someone I’m not interested in me, comes on to me. I think this is because I still don’t know how to ethically, honestly, and non-bitchily communicate that I’m not interested.
So I told this guy I had a boyfriend, which was perfect except that it’s a lie. I don’t have a boyfriend (I’m currently single as fuck), but I chose to say so because then I didn’t have to deal with that awkward scenario of how to reject someone without rejecting them. Interestingly, in the half-second I took to answer, I considered telling the truth, but then I knew he’d somehow ask for my number or to stay in touch. And again – there was nothing WRONG with this guy, except that I knew he was sexually interested in me, and the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.
Dude, she's totally into you.
Dude, she's totally into you.
Men: what do you really want a girl to say in circumstances like this? Should I just come right out with, “I feel conflicted about giving you my number because I don’t want you to get the wrong impression?”
Would you prefer that I lie and say I have a boyfriend? (This doesn’t work if we’re in the same community, and you’ll find out that I’m single).
Do you actually want me to say (in the moment), “Sure, it’d be fun to hang out sometime but I feel like I should let you know that I’m only interested in being friends with you”?
If it were me – and again, I don’t usually ask boys out unless I’m pretty sure already that they’re going to say yes (I wait for nonverbal signals and other cues that I’ve learned to look out for) – I think I’d want more of a straight answer than not. But I’d also want some form of approval in there, like, “I really appreciate you asking and it’d be fun to hang out sometime, but just as friends.” Like I’d want him to tell me something good about the encounter first – not just, “No.”
So maybe that’s the trick — I should start with something genuinely appreciative, like, “I’m really flattered – thank you for asking… I just want to be clear since a lot of times things like this get confusing – I’m totally down with giving you my number and I also want you to know I’m just open to being friends.”
I think I’d be able to handle that if a guy said it to me. Guys — would it work for you? What was the best way you’ve ever been turned down, where it actually felt good – or at least if not good, then not awful?
Because I want to be kind and I want to be supportive and appreciative … and I want to be honest.
What’s a girl to do?
