Quest to Get Laid, Part Un

How can I be wearing a bra this sexy and STILL not be having sex?

A few weeks ago I was in a bad way – I really wanted to have sex. (This theme comes up a lot, doesn’t it?)

The thing is, I have standards. I’m not just gonna go out and fuck anybody. They have to pass muster. (Please note the correct use of this expression … it’s “pass muster,” not “pass mustard.” The phrase comes from 1575, when military troops were inspected in a review called the muster. Thus one wanted to “pass muster.” Sorry. That’s just my inner editor coming out.).

Bet you'll never guess what's under my ball ... wait. I mean balls. I mean my balls are under my ... wait. Nevermind.

As has been covered, I have a “type,” especially when it comes to just sex, and that type is “jock.” Nice body. Six-pack. It gets me going! I feel a little bad about it because I know that looks aren’t everything, but the truth is that we all have our preferences, and that’s mine.

And I prefer that men know this up front, so that they’re aware of what they’re dealing with. This works even better when I can just lay it all out beforehand, like in a personals ad… but a personals ad just for sex. I’m not looking for a relationship; I’m looking to get laid.

Hmm. A personals ad dedicated solely to a casual encounter? Where can one find such a jewel? AHA! Craigslist Casual Encounters!

Ahh, Craigslist. What would I do without you? You get me futons, you get me jobs, you get me laid. You are … well … perfect. [For those unfamiliar, CL Casual Encounters is exactly what it sounds like: people looking for NSA (no strings attached) sex].

So I post to Craigslist, and not for the first time. The first time worked out swimmingly: I met a hot 26-yr-old guy who was getting his PhD at Columbia. Smart, a good conversationalist, and fuckable. It was great.

This time I posted a new, different ad:

 

Title:(casual encounters) Sexy girl (REAL girl) needs a man – w4m

I don’t have time for a real relationship but I miss good sex. I’m looking for someone that knows how to go slow and take charge, someone that will look into my eyes but also push me up against a wall. I’m not into hardcore BDSM or anything, just good intense sensual sex. Also just to get this out of the way, I love receiving oral but I don’t give BJs – I consider it far more intimate than intercourse, so I only do that for serious committed partners. I can host but I’d prefer not to.

I’m a dancer and like to do stripteases (pic is from a burlesque show I was in). I’m 5’3″, Caucasian, fit, very educated, and fun. I’m in control and have a lot of responsibility in my work life so looking to be the opposite in bed. I want to feel like a woman.

Holy vaca. The responses to this were OVERWHELMING. I don’t know what chord I struck, but I got so many responses I lost count – total it was probably over 100.

Going through them felt like man-shopping.

I made categories: “Definite potential.” “Maybe.” And “Umm, no.”

The “Umm, no” category was sometimes sidesplittingly funny, and occasionally heartbreaking. I am not making any of these up (any distinguishing characteristics in photos eliminated – be sure to note the pairings of the text with the photos):

 

hoping you’re still on the lookout for the right guy…thinking I’m him 🙂

Relatively clean kitchen in the background: 10 points.
Buzz-cut: 25 points.
Six-pack: 50 points.

Incredible Hulk pose… Priceless.

I’m sorry, it’s just that for some reason, I can’t imagine being in bed with you … it would be so hard for me to take you seriously that I feel like I’d just start laughing. And I’d feel terrible about that, so this probably isn’t going to work out.

Next!

“hey
i’m looking for nsa safe sex
im totally dd free
6.1 tall
green eyes
brown hair
white fit body
and really horny 27 yo stud :))
i live in the city, going to NYU and no time for real relationship, but cannot do without sex. i used to be in school’s basketball team, but i do not have a “hulk” type body :))
looking to hear from you
take care”

First off, don’t worry, The Hulk already wrote in. However, the fact that you look like Napoleon Dynamite and the enormity of the disparity between your photo and the phrase, “27 yo stud” is just too much for my brain to handle.

Next!

Great post 31 italian ex pro hockey player gym owner now 6 foot 4 here’s some pics also very well hung d/d free u sound great + look great any more pics of u?

OK, so far, so good… amazing body (if it’s real — does that look photoshopped to anyone else?)

Wait a minute, you look familiar. Do I know you? Wait, wait, yes, I’ve got it! Yes! You’re …

Mr. Clean!

Hold up. I can’t fuck Mr. Clean. That’s just too weird.

PLUS, this is the last pic you sent:

 

What!? What am I supposed to do with that? Yes, you have a great butt, but that’s not the way one usually presents that to a woman — the only obvious thing that comes to MY mind is that you swing both ways and this is what you send when you’re responding to gay men … which is not really a turn-on for a hot-blooded fully hetero female.

So … next!

I can fuck for hours
i please every woman i ‘m with.

…

I think this one speaks for itself.

Next!

 

Hi….my name is anauri…I mo ed to new fork because of my career….and ever since I’ve landed here…I havent had a break…..literaly…..i be tried this before bit belive me…im not the type to browse on c.l. its just that its gets to be redundant and tiresome front to meet people especially when you don’t have the time cause your stuck at work…..that sucks….but it is what it is.om actually alittle embarrased… ut im here for the same reason your here….for. an intense time……I very much enjoyed your posting….I actaully feel the same way…..exactly what you’re thinking….I like that very much….im into oral very much so…but its cool if you don’t do it…..im spanish sicilian…..im a chef at 4 establishments….so you can imagine how busy I am..lol…seriously….om funny ….down to earth…..caring ..just an all around well rounded guy….who’s stuck in a vortex of bad timing….lol….I also know you said. It to send any pics of
my privates….and believe me that wasn’t the goal…but I have no other pic of my self…..im one of those incognito types…..not out there…..and pictures of myself in that nature would be for someone im with ….but with this pic you can see my stomach…so it’ll give you an idea of how fit I am…..if your intrested..get back to me….so that we can see where this can go….ciao

Hmm. Just few red flags here.

For example: I realize that perhaps you were in a hurry, but glancing over your response just to make sure you didn’t spell ‘new york’ ‘new fork’ might be helpful. Also, you said you don’t have any pics of yourself BESIDES one of your privates. Really? That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Neither does, “i’m one of those incognito types….” That just makes me feel like if you host, you’ll cut me up into little pieces.

… and so on. You get the idea. The truth is, a lot of the responses, in addition to making me laugh, tugged at my heartstrings. I was struck by just HOW many people out there – men, especially, but people in general – are craving sensuality, physical intimacy, and yes, sex, but also just connection. A lot of the responses focused on that – that what they were looking for wasn’t just a good fuck, but a good fuck. They wanted what I wanted: an actually fulfilling encounter. It somehow made me sad to think about the sheer number of people who are experiencing a dearth in their lives in this arena. This needs to be fixed, people! MORE SEX FOR EVERYONE! Correction: MORE GOOD SEX FOR EVERYONE!

Have no fear: I’m on the job.

Meanwhile, stay tuned for Part Deux, which includes what NOT to do if you ever do get a response from a woman posting an ad like this…